So, I was thinking of trying to form a band earlier today. It seemed like an interesting challenge at the time but the planning process seems like too much. Here are the things I thought were important to decide at the time.

Name
Members
Places to Play


The name of a band is very important. In fact, it’s probably the most important aspect of having a band. If you have a catchy name, it doesn’t matter if you have little to no talent. Look at the complete waste that dominates the music scene. Their lyrics are filled with complete drivel and the music itself usually sounds like a wildebeest passing a kidney stone. I haven’t actually heard the sound of a wildebeest passing a kidney stone but I can imagine that it doesn’t sound very pleasing to the ears. Fame doesn’t come to these artists because they have some sort of talent. Far from it! The power rests in the name. Therefore, I want a cool one.

I came up with a few names but couldn’t decide on one specifically. Band nomenclature takes time if you do it right. They all have their own pros and cons which makes things difficult.

Dead Harmonics – Ahh, I really like this one.

Pros: Harmonics is the study of musical sound. It’s basically the science of music. The name explicitly states the state of music as we know it. It is dead or getting ready to do so. The impact of this name could reach a world starving for the sound of REAL musical instruments.

Cons: The name does sound a bit pretentious. There’s also a chance that the word “dead” would attract the types of people who are twenty eight and play D&D in their mother’s basement. It could also attract those who wake up in the morning and have to decide what shade of black they are wearing.

(Insert Name Here) – Ambiguous and yet, it could work.

Pros: Being called (Insert Name Here) would be interesting. In fact, we could call ourselves (I.N.H) and change the name of the group every new album! (Insert Name Here) for the first album. (Inuits Never Hug) would be great for the next album. Then, we can call ourselves (International Nose Hockey). The possibilities are endless.

Cons: Confusion abroad. The constant name change could keep people thinking we’re a new group. On the plus side, we could be nominated for “Best New Band” every year on MTV. Those people are so out of touch, they’ll never know we’re on our ninth album!

The Carl Jenkins Band – JACKPOT!

Pros: This is a tried and true method of naming a band. Take the guy who’s the lead singer and name the band after him. Countless artists have done this in the past in one form or fashion and most have at least scored one gold record. Even if the guy isn’t a part of the band this would be a great idea. I have no idea who Carl Jenkins is! (Sup Carl)

Cons: This is somewhat a cheap way to do it. It obviously shows a slight lack of originality and you don’t want people to think that right off the bat. Besides, what happens if Carl Jenkins leaves the band? We can’t rightfully still call ourselves the Carl Jenkins Band…until the studio lawyers copyright his name. He’ll be promptly re-named from Carl Jenkins to Postulio Rodrigimus in the process. While that’s fun, it’s not good to burn bridges with band members.

You also have to keep the genre of music in mind. Here are some ideas that could help.

Country: Usually, your name works fine. Most people in country music lack the imagination to come up with something awesome, therefore, they use their own name. Besides, it’s what they’re used to seeing on the front of their shirt.
Examples: Becky White, Walter Jennings

Rap: In this area, you don’t usually spell any word you use properly. It’s mostly due to a poor education and the inability to spell anything with more than one syllable…and those usually cause problems…foo’. Don’t forget that this name must be ghetto and reflect the fact that you “bust caps.” Why one would break a hat is beyond me. Also, if you are the son of a rapper, you MUST have “Lil’” in front of your name. It’s a law.
Examples: Lil’ Ghetto Blasta, Respuct Inc. (It’s harder to do this than I thought. Use your imagination, unless you’re a country music fan, in which case, you won’t have one.)

Metal: Now, to be fair I’ll make fun of the genre I like. The name of a good metal band depends on the type of metal you wish to play. Hair metal is usually one word spelled differently to make it look cool. (see note about education in rap music) Death Metal usually represents death or the coming destruction of the entire world or sometimes the defilement of corpses. Try to make it sound Norwegian. Goth Metal represents death while whining about being different from the Abercrombie and Fitch world in which they live! Those are just a few.
Examples: Hair Metal - Limozeen(stealing this one from Homestar Runner because it’s perfect)
Death Metal – Black Cannibalistic Kabala; Necro-Butcher
Goth Metal – One Wilted Rose; Bloody Tears Strewn on Ashes of the Dead; Voices of the Past Cry

Now, who do you want in your band? First and foremost, you need the basics in a band.

Lead Singer and Lead Guitarist: This is usually the ego of the band because he and the lead guitarists are the only members ever noticed. It doesn’t matter if this guy sounds like a Speak and Spell and the drummer like Neal Peart, the average know nothing fan will love this guy. This will inevitably go to his head. Preventive methods must be taken in order to keep the ego out of control. I find that a swift kick to the baby maker in front of lady fans usually does the trick.

Bass player: For any aspiring bass player, I have a few words of advice. You have an important job ahead of you. The bass is an instrument that requires great responsibility. You honestly hold the song together and a mistake on your part could mess the whole song up entirely. It’s TRUE! Also, you’re hard work will never be noticed by anyone but a few music nerds.

Drummer: See Bass Player notes but don’t worry too much. Your kind is a flaky bunch. You won’t be in the band long anyway.

Rhythm guitarist: The guy who wasn’t talented enough to play lead guitar. He’s stuck playing the C major, D major, and G major chords over and over and over and over and over. Most people mistake him for a roadie.

Fiddle player: This guy is usually only used in Texas. Law AL, Section ABA, Line MA states: “If you’re going to play in Texas, you have to have a fiddle in the band.” If you are a band and enter in the state without a fiddle player, Texas Rangers are sent after the bus. Frankly, I don’t my tour ruined by Chuck Norris round house kicking the bus.

Female Vocalist (or as we call them “Backup Vocals): This usually works to “retty up” the song. Even if you are in the blackest of metal bands, a well placed Backup(Female) vocalist can make your song about butchering a bus full of the elderly on their way to Reno sound beautiful. You have to be careful HOW often you use the female vocals because you don’t want her to think that she can do lead. “Barefoot and in the background.” That’s what I always say. Besides, where’s she going to go, it’s not like she can drive. (I think I just realize why I’m 24 and unmarried.)

Blacks in Metal: Nonexistent. The guys that LOOK black are really just white guys who are so metal that they look black.

Keyboardist: The keyboard falls somewhere between the flute and the accordion in the list of “Least Rocking Instruments” unless the instrument is the key-tar. If it were a double-edged Sword Key-Tar, then you’d be awesome!

There are more but we’ll cover them later.

Places to Play

This is another key element for the new band. The term “Location, Location, Location” has a distinct meaning. If you play in the wrong place, you could end up regretting it before the end of the night…trust me.

The Children’s Birthday Party Venue: It’s really important that you make sure your band is “suitable” to play a children’s birthday party. I’ll use the death example. As cool as it would be to growl “Happy Birthday” with double bass pedal, I don’t think blood spurting out of a birthday cake, topped with a decapitated head filled with candles is exactly child oriented.

The Run Down Juke Joint: You know the one. It’s the place where the stage is separated from the rest of the building by chicken fencing and barbed wire to keep the drunken natives from killing the band. This is the place where you flinch every time a bottle hits the wire for two reasons. You’re afraid the breaking glass is going to cut you somewhere important or you’re afraid it’s going to fly through the fence and hit you in the nose. If anything, you get agility points for trying to dodge what will never hit you. The smell of burning booze and tobacco juice somehow find their way into your clothing and you cannot wash off the stench for at least a week.

The Not So Run Down Juke Joint: The smell isn’t so bad and hey, they have a mechanical bull! Bonus points if the lead guitarist is able to bust through a solo while riding the bull.

The Opening Act: There’s one thing you must remember. It does not matter how good you were that day. It does not matter if you were the “Hometown Heroes.” No one but your mother cared that you were playing and she only cared a little bit. Most of the people who cheered at the beginning thought that you were one of the headlining acts. They quickly realized that you were not. The reason they cheered loudly when your set was over was because your set was over.

The Headline: Quit dreaming. Seriously, stop it. You’re not ready for this.

Next time, more one needs to know when forming a band!